Suffering

The day before yesterday one of my less engaged students (in a class full of students who find it difficult to stay engaged) had her head down on the desk. I told her to wake up and she replied, head still down on the desk, that she was awake. And so, predictably for all concerned, I told her to lift her head off the desk and that no one's allowed to have their head down in my class. (As if they were allowed to do it in other classes, anyway. But that's beside the point.) When she lifted her head up she had this extremely put-upon, angry expression on her face. If you're a teacher you've seen it. It's the why do I have to be here and why are you making me do this shit? face.

In the car on the way in to school this morning I connected this to something that I heard Pema Chodron say in an interview with Bill Moyers. She was quoting some Buddhist luminary or other. It was something to the effect that we hate our suffering but are in love with what causes it. So the alcoholic hates the hangovers, or the embarassment, or the way he fails his kids but loves drunkenness or the booze itself. And this student who was hating being there and who could barely restrain herself from lashing out was really suffering. She just hated her situation and wished that it would change or be different. But that wasn't going to and couldn't just happen. What is she in love with that causes her suffering that she can't and won't change?

In part, she's in love with not understanding that it's her responsibility to change things. She just wants it to change. She doesn't want to do the work to be in school but she still lets herself be stuck in school. In cruder, less empathetic terms, she needs to shit or get off the pot. That's what most of us need when we're stuck. We're stuck because in some sense we're unwilling to do one or the other. But it's more, too. She could change herself. It wouldn't be easy. Ultimately, it's the project of a lifetime (enlightenment). But that's a path she could take. She could find a way not to suffer in this situation.

Perhaps she's in love with not changing herself. Perhaps she's in love with being a child and therefore with not being responsible for herself. As am I. As are most of us.